"Thank you... Now, I'm not trying to imply that my brother is evil or anything, but when Father Flaherty blessed the wedding rings with holy water, his fizzed!"

"But seriously, I just want to take this opportunity to thank the Butlers for this beautiful day -- We had a great time at the golf course today. But I do want to apologize for leaving the golf course looking like a lunar landscape."

"It has been a great day and I want to welcome Sheila into our family. All of us Olsens and Knanishus are really excited to have her in the family. Well, there is one exception : Leslie is not terribly excited to be demoted to third favorite daughter behind Sheila and Michele!"

"And to the Butlers, I just want to remind you that you aren't losing a daughter, you are gaining a son. And we Olsens REALLY appreciate that! Now, we won't have to deal with him for roughly half the holidays. Instead, YOU guys will have to put up with his obnoxious whistling, walking into doors, and Larry the freaking Laser."

"Last night, Sheila gave Dave this really cool Homer Simpson T-shirt. I found that particularly ironic because that is exactly what Dave is going to slowly evolve into. After 5 years of marriage, it has happened to me : " [Show bald head, gut] "Mmmmm... doughnuuutsss..."

"On a more serious note, when I asked around Dave's buddies for things to say in this little speech, a recurring theme kept coming up. And that was how good of friends Dave and Sheila are. Everyone can see that, and it is precisely this friendship which has been and will continue to be the foundation for their love which will grow and carry them through the good times and bad for many many years to come. So here's a toast to Dave and Sheila!"

"So, Dave, I know this is your third trip to the altar and they say the third times the charm! And I know that you and Sheila and Larry Laser and your 6 bastard children will be happy...."